Can't we all just agree..............

Can't we just all agree to disagree? So what if you are a conservative fascist who thinks only of yourself and how you can get to the top of the heap by climbing the backs of the poor and under-served? Me? I like to think of this world as a giant nursery school classroom....when I am done with the blue crayon, I'll pass it to you, and when you are finished with the green crayon, you pass it to me. Little Susie will use all of the red crayon drawing her all red landscape, but that's okay, too, 'cause here in the nursery school we accept everyone's differences as normal and okay.

I had a student in my classroom the other day who said, "She do pitty green cloud" (pointing at another little girl in the class), and the little green cloud artist said right back..."You got de pitty-pritty shoos"....They then ran to the middle of the classroom to embrace. Best friends....we both have something good, we both ARE something good. We are different and we are the same and we are both worthy of love.

Why can't we be like that anymore?

The twelveth of never

Don't know why I title tonights missile that. Seems like it may have been the title to a song way back when,..............................when Donny Osmond and I were young lovers, or when I, at least, thought it was still possible.

Never! That is when I am going to feel young and vibrant again....or so it feels, at least tonight. and why I say this, I am not sure. Actually, as days go, this one has been good...or at least NOT bad.

Today the skies unleashed and purged the trauma and the drama from the day. The deluge ended just at work time, and the sky that appeared before me as I drove down this old country road was magnificent......opulent, even. A crystaline blue that tricked one and all into thinking that maybe, just maybe, spring had arrived just, oh, I don't know................a couple of months early.

It was glorious. And as will happen when we have those rare days of springlike warmth and beauty, I felt new breath within....an opportunity for something purposeful, something meaningful....something important.

I searched all day long, and couldn't exactly find what I was looking for....Maybe because the sun set and the cold winter wind blew all of the hope and the expectation away before I could grab hold of it.

Here is what I do know: That hope, that small flicker of anticipation is enough.......just that brief fling into spring kindled some little bit of something, and I know that it will hold me, at least until another warm and sunny day.
I also know this: Today I am grateful for my children having a trauma free day, which in turn, offers me a lazy, "roll around, relax a bit,enjoy the evening without adrenaline" kind of night, for which I am PROFOUNDLY grateful....

So where did I start? Oh yes, the twelveth of never.....Let's make that the 25th of tomorrow....

How much is mine?

How much is mine? How much hurt and disillusionment should I take responsibility for? I hate it when my children run into another obstacle in life. Never mind that I have run into it, (oft times, over and over and OVER again)....somehow "I" have the strength and fortitude for it. The stamina.....the wherewithal....What a load of crap! Or not....I mean I do have the strength and endurance and stability to muddle through. What I don't have is the fortitude it takes to deal with them finding their own strength.
I believe that maybe........................just maybe, I need to loosen my tight vise grip on their problems and emotions, and just let them work it out themselves. Instead of chronic anxiety and worry, what if I, just decide,........let's say,.....................to believe they can do it for themselves....
I know they can. (I think they can, I think they can.........I think they can)
Have I just stumbled onto the mythical figurative Valium bottle? Is it truly possible that I can begin to relax in my day to day operations, confident in the knowledge that they can take care of themselves?

See........here is the thing. Times are tight...life is hard.....
I went through times of no money, (or little money) times of no utilities.....times of loneliness and despair..times wondering where the next meal was coming from...and they were MISERABLE.....scary....and even demeaning, and I hate that my own children would ever have to feel that way....BUTTTTTTTTTT.....
today I can stand on my own two feet (sometimes awkwardly, but stand nonetheless), with a confidence that I can take care of myself. Maybe not in luxury, but I do have all I need to work and provide food and shelter for myself. Maybe that confidence came from the scariness of not having. and maybe, ..............just maybe, my values come from the not having....
Like maybe I don't need a fancy car and fancy McMansion to live in because I realize and value the riches of a soft warm bed and a full stomach, watching tv in my cozy little home.

So, here, then, is my assignment: I will watch, (and watch carefully) for the telltale signs of starvation or lack of hot water (Ewww)....I will watch for the crossover from "worried about what we are gonna do" to "Let's rob a bank". I will watch to make sure that they know that I love them more than life itself, and that I am so incredibly proud of them...I will make sure they know that I am behind them,...but then,
(from my secret hiding place under the stairs)I will allow them the dignity and respect to work it out....to come up with their own solutions, and to feel the confidence and strength that comes with it. I will.....I WILL...(I think I can, I think I can,........I think I can."

Friday, the 15th

I can pretend, can't I? some of those days that most people think are unlucky are exactly the opposite for me. I am hoping that today marks the beginning of something very new and different in my life. Something,.......something sweet and gooey.....something warm and fuzzy.......something enlightening or, at the very least, something purposeful.
So far, so good.
I mean, really, how much joy and happiness can you REALLY milk from a chilly moose?
More than you'd think. That's my answer and I am sticking to it.
It's all very simple with the young set. You talk about color, and texture, and warmth and friends and it's all good. They can relate.
It feels good to have a job where shining eyes look at you with admiration. (though I will admit, sometimes, at first, they look at me with terror)......it's good when the mommies ask you questions about their development, their talents and skills.
And here is the worst part....I have NO clue how to answer them, other than to say that they are what they are when they are. Just accept that baby artist the way they are. They are developing the way that God intends them to. If little Susie wants to paint all in black, I don't think there is a reason to panic...She's 2. It's dark. There is alot of contrast between black paint and white paper. When Susie is 16, worry about it.
Cutting and gluing and painting and coloring and drawing and mostly just holding it all in your hands is the magic of art when you are a baby.
Yup, today is a good day...a lucky day.....a day of purpose.....
I think I'll paint the sky purple and draw a big orange circle in it to make the sun!

all talk , no action

okay, today's title is being changed to NO talk, NO action. Not only am I doing nothing, rather slowly, I am not talking, either. I have exhausted myself of words this morning.....I am like an athlete who no longer competes.....I cannot keep up.....I have used my entire reservoir of the written word today in email, and there is nothing left to say, nothing left to use..............Let's hope that muscle memory also pertains to the brain. otherwise, this is Lori to earth, signing off...........
Have a glorious day, my peeps.

Resolve? Me?

Here it is...................that grand old dame of days. The day to resolve to better ourselves, to get thinner, smarter, more sober, less selfish, more religious......I think I will resolve to get dressed every day...it seems I have found myself the last few days of 2009 not dressing (though I did change into a clean nightgown yesterday in honor of the new years eve festivities here at home). Yes, yes,..........I do dress when I am going to work. But it is getting harder and harder to find something that does not feel like it is squeezing the very life out of me. So, yes, I guess, in order to keep one resolution, I will have to work on another one.......the 'thinner" me resolution....Okay, so I have been resolving that since God was a child....or at the very least since I was a child. I am going to try SSSOOOOOOOOOOOO hard this time.Now I am guessing I have to resolve to be more religious, because I know without God and His help, those twinkies will be calling, calling, c-a-l-l-i-n-g my name.....
Why? Why, I want to know do some of us struggle and struggle with food? You know it and I know it. There are women out there who eat what they want when they want it and never, ever gain an ounce...BITCHES! How did I get cursed with these genes?
Someone once said that nothing tastes as good as thin feels..................All I am saying is THAT person either had no taste buds or that I have never been thin. I cannot imagine that thin feels THAT good. But yes, yet again I will try. I must. I feel like I am stretching the seams of my own body, and occasionally I almost think I hear the ripping of fabric....
A thinner me means no more sleep machine (maybe one day),.....................it means no more aching legs ALL OF THE TIME.....it means being comfortable in summer in something other than a tent dress, and it means feeling like a woman once again, instead of this amorphous, asexual being I have become....(Anyone remember "Pat" from SNL?"
So there it is folks....On january 1, 2010 I am promising myself that I will spend more time with God who will help me lose weight so that I will want to get dressed and go somewhere..................
Uh-oh.....................go somewhere????????????? Not another resolution!