radical thinking

I wish to scream out loud now.........................scream at injustice and the people who perpetuate it...scream at the seemingly inpenetrable minds of people who continue to cling to the status quo, as though it really works....

The health care bill..................Why are so many people afraid? and what are they afraid of? How can any one of us NOT want equality of health care for all of our citizens? (and that is still not going to happen)........I just do NOT get it. I cannot wrap my head around it. and I guess, in some way, I want some non rude person, someone who is not so terrified that they feel they have to terrorize me to explain to me how you get there from here.....

Social injustice. This is nothing new.....The rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and speaking as an intelligent but poor woman, it is maddening. I wonder, and wonder often, how some people with such a seemingly small mind have managed to climb their way (no doubt on the backs of the oppressed) to such privelege.....or so , it seems. As though they are better than others, more important than others, and that others somehow deserve less.

Let me say one thing: No one deserves one thing better than another....NOT ONE PERSON is better than another.

I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe He is the model that we should follow...We should live as He lived, we should love as He loved.....Last night I heard on the news of people (conservative Republicans) who were phoning in death threats to elected officials, cutting gas lines, using coarse and vulgar language, and even referring to our president as a "n_ _ _ _ _" (I cannot even write it, it is so disturbing. And what do they hope to achieve? What kind of image does this send to anyone?

When I hear of these things, I want to run in the opposite direction....I am guessing that these conservatives want all of us to come around to their opinions, but my God, do they really believe that this sort of behavior is going to win them the approval and admiration of the masses?

I want justice. I want my children and my childrens' children, and their children after them to live in a world where ALL citizens are valued and cared for. I never want another child to go without proper dental care, another expectant mother to do without prenatal care....I want our aged citizens to feel love, valued, and revered, and I never want one more old man or woman to have to choose between their medicine and their meals.

I want an entire generation of people in this country to stand for and believe in equality. Some of us sing well, some of us draw well,...................there are those of us who dig ditches best, and those of us who design houses. People who teach children, and people who write computer code. Is it wrong to want to live in a land where all of these people, and all of their talents are recognized as necessary and valuable?

So maybe our jobs are different, some require more skill, some more education......but our souls? our spirits? Aren't they all worth the same, and shouldn't we all be guaranteed that we have quality of life and quality of health care?

I am afraid. I am afraid to speak my mind in a nation of people who think it is alright to yell obscenities at the president, to hurl insults at others simply because their viewpoint is different from your own. I want to understand your world,.....just as I want you to understand mine....

This goes deeper than health care,...........at least for me......this is about human beings loving each other, respecting each other, and caring for each other. We go through our lives with our hands out, our backs turned and our haughty noses in the air. Where did we learn that this was the way of success? where did we learn that by being apart from others we were better than others? Why do we feel we have to claim our value by devaluing others?

Nope. "You can call me a dreamer...................but I'm not the only one....I hope one day you'll join me, and the world will live as one...."

I make mistakes, too. My husband tells me that I can be critical, judge too easily,......he tells me that I am too partisan...maybe I am....or maybe,........................maybe I am just tired.

Tired of using someone else's yardstick to measure my own success in life......tired of teaching my children kindness and patience and tolerance, when people can be so intolerant of them..and of me, and,...................yes, intolerant of you. I am tired of working hard and getting nowhere, and still people say, "Why should I work hard to pay for someone else's healthcare when they won't get off their butts and go to work themselves?" I work hard and pay for my own healthcare and am STILL WILLING to help pay for the healthcare of others.......because it is that important.

A short story. Once there was a girl who was bright, ..........very bright, in fact....She loved to draw and to write. She had big ideas, and big dreams. She planned for a brilliant career, and she had the choice of several colleges. The girl met a boy, a bright one......one who thought outside the box, who could turn words into pictures and dreams into reality. The girl fell in love and chose to build a family with the boy. They would love each other, love their children, and by doing so spread love in the world. They worked hard, this boy and this girl, but after a time, they felt overwhelmed.....they were young and inexperienced.....they didn't have the tools for the job.

The years passed....they made tough choices. Caring for their family came before caring for themselves......groceries and electricity and medical care were in short supply, while judgement and criticism was plentiful. After a time the boy and the girl grew apart. The "doing without" came between them, and they went their separate ways. The judgement of society and of each other increased until the only thing left was bitterness and hurt.

One day,the young girl swooped down to pick up her rowdy toddler and kiss him, and he came running exuberantly toward her. He threw himself into her waiting arms and his hard toddler head came crashing into her face. There was a pop and a crack, and when the young mother looked down, her two front teeth were lying before her on the floor.

She gathered them up, and put them in a baggie.....Silent tears fell down her cheeks as the shame surrounded her.

In a few weeks, she saved enough money for the dentist. He just looked at her sadly, and shook his head. It seemed her teeth were hollow, from the inside out....The three babies....three pregnancies, three nursed children had taken their toll on the girl.....and the poverty had taken the worse toll. The dentist told her that the calcium had been robbed from her body for the babies and that a healthy diet would have protected her.

The girl left the dentist, disappointed but determined.......this would not happen again, not to her, not to her children.

The girl got a job.....She worked and she worked. People around her talked around her, over her, and occasionally, even TO her, though usually loudly and slowly, as though she were dull-witted or deaf. Sometimes, they talked about her, as though she were not even there. She was pitied and patronized and once a man even asked her if she was available to come to his home and clean windows. Mostly she was invisible. Overlooked as disposable, without worth or value.....

You see, once we are judged as the poor and the downtrodden, we cease to exist as people of integrity, people with something to offer....people of intelligence and of heart. People with hopes and dreams and aspirations....We become what the achievers believe to be the "lazy indolent lower class who doesn't work and feels entitled for us to support them" No matter that the girl worked, and worked hard. No matter that the girl had done without food and health care......No matter that the girl never had food stamps, public assistance. She was marked.

It took many years for the girl to climb out. She endured the shame of the dentist blaming her for her poor nutrition and the loss of her teeth. She endured the haughty stares of the stay at home moms when she dropped her children off at school while she went off to earn their living....She endured countless acts of thoughtlessness, and even downright rudeness because she was a single mother of meager means....She endured, and she survived....

And she promised herself she would never allow herself to be small and mean spirited to those around her in need. She would never presume to make assumptions about the level of intelligence anyone had, especially those around her working the thankless jobs. and she would ALWAYS do everything in her power for the support of basic human rights for the under-served in her community and in her world.

That girl was me.

So when you ask me how I can vote so liberally for healthcare, so conservatively for war and violence, how I can stand up and fight back so hard for women's rights and expensive nutrition programs for women and children......how I can support more tax dollars for education funding and higher education, you know the answer.

I lived in that world, I suffered the indignity and the shame, and the cold ugly stares,.........and for what? Poor judgement perhaps.....I was too young to get married, too young to play house. But I had all the right intentions, and I worked hard...........I raised (and continue to raise ) 6 kind and honest children with superb intelligence who contribute to the community around them. So now, I have arrived........back from the shadows of poverty. Am I any smarter, any funnier, any different than I was then?.....Is my worth any different?

When you see me I am worth a lot. I am a wife, a mother, and an artist. I teach, and I learn and I show kindness to the world around me, but I am the same invisible girl.....and oh yes, I do have teeth now.....but it's my guess that the teeth have nothing to do with me or my worth as a person, just in the average person's ability to see it..

So, as I see it,

I traveled the road to get here, and until you make the trip, don't judge the people who pave the road.........

Need time alone?

So,.......I've been thinking and talking alot lately, about personal time,.....and about personal space...and I know how important it is, for me,.....for you,.....for all of us. Problem is, how often do any of us, (especially Moms like me) get to have personal time......ALONE? (I know that some of you husbands out there think that being at home with the kids is personal time.....Anyone who has ever had to hold a child on their lap while trying to use the toilet knows what I mean) THIS is not personal time. Children are the loves of our lives, the sun that gets us going in the morning and often our raison d'etre, BUT.....sometimes enough is enough...

Here is my solution: and I am titling it....

"Five easy ways to get alone and relaxed when your family won't let you get alone and relaxed."

Method #1: When the entire family has arrived home for the evening and is gathered around, waiting for dinner, inform them that dinner will be done shortly. Tell them that the brussels sprouts are almost tender and that the liver and onions is in the oven. I almost guarantee that Dad and the kids will hightail it out of the house so quick for McDonalds that you won't even have to fake it. When they have left, pour yourself a glass of vino and sit back and eat chocolate.

Method #2: When you get home from work in the evening, run to the bathroom, directly to the bathroom, lock the door, and make a distinct retching sound loud enough for your family to hear. Tell your husband it is that dreaded stomach virus that is going around and ask him to leave a roll of toilet tissue just outside the door. By the time you can say "hahaIamlying", the entire family will have vacated the premises long enough for you to enjoy that long sudsy bath you have been dreaming of all day.

Method #3: Announce to the family that you will be having a "Gee I" party..............

"Gee, I can't stand this dirty house anymore".........There is nothing that will clear a room (or your home) quicker than a family expected to participate in housecleaning detail. Suddenly your sullen teenagers and your lay-about husband will remember something very important they were supposed to do...............(The beauty of this method is that after you have had the house to yourself for the day, reading, sipping tea, or napping, they come home to a house that is just as dirty as it was before, and you can use this method again the following weekend.)

Method #4: Tell your husband and children that your favorite Aunt Millicent is coming for a visit. Remind them of the times she spit on her finger and rubbed it on a smudge on your nose, or the many times she has asked to see that birthmark she remembers on your inner thigh. In a nervous voice say quietly, "oh my, I hope Aunt Milly doesn't remember me telling her about that pimple on your bottom...." THEY ARE OUTTA THERE!!! (This works particularly well if said Aunt Milly lives out of town and they fear she may be staying overnight) Plan for a two day Mommy getaway.

Method #5: ...............my personal favorite.......Guilt! Use it to your advantage! How many times has it been used against you? In a sorrowful tone, mention how sad it is that the kids never get enough time with Dad....and of course, statistics say that children who do not spend enough time with Dad fall into all sorts of trouble...(make it financial and Dad will really panic)....Sigh loudly, and wistfully, and say that you hope that your children will not be marred from all the time they spend without their father....(This is a good time to remember out loud that your son likes to play with paper dolls), and then (very innocently) ask Dad if he would like to try the scones that Junior baked yesterday after he finished curling your hair. By the time you have baited the trap, hubby is already caught. Without further discussion, the fishing poles are loaded in the car and the children are off for a day of frivolity and fun with Dad. And Dad takes the girls, too. Perhaps if they learn to fish, they will spend more time in pursuits like catching worms and less time playing with baby dolls...Dad is thinking, "Remove the temptation"

All of these methods are good and fine, and work wonderfully for a day at home, alone, reading or catching up on a movie you have wanted to see.....but what if you want a day alone, shopping, without your pre-pubescent daughter and friends tagging along....Follow this advice, and you are home free, (uh,.........I mean mall free)

Purchase some of those pink foam rollers at the discount store..(they are a wonderful investment in your mental health). Roll your hair up on them, and then find a paisley, or better yet, green plaid scarf to tie around your head. Get your husbands best white athletic socks, and fish out your flip-flops from last summers vacation. Put both on, along with a pair of grey sweatpants and a flannel shirt from your husbands closet, and then announce to your daughter, "Hey sweetpea, wanna go to the mall with me? I bet we will run into all of your friends there, since everyone is shopping for the daddy-daughter dance"..(On another note, thank God for the daddy-daughter dance....one MORE opportunity for alone time). I can say, with 100% certainty that your daughter will NOT accept your invitation. She may humor you by saying she is feeling under the weather, or she might even be honest and tell you that she wouldn't be caught dead out in public with you, but either way (and what do you care) you are guaranteed a day of shopping bliss.

Oh, and one more note....Be sure that you have already put on jeans and a tee shirt under your sweats and flannels....It's easy to get the rollers out once you are a block away from home, but take it from me,............it can be dangerous disrobing and re-robing in the car. I STILL have that round bruise on my hip from the gear shift knob, and I don't know how I will fare in court next week on the public indecency charge...............

Of course, those of you who know me, KNOW that I really don't mind spending every waking moment with my husband and kids, (NOT), and you also know that I don't have an Aunt Millicent.......And as for the public indecency charge, you all KNOW that aside from a small box truck, there is not enough room in any vehicle for me to change in....

but laugh about it we must......(better than sobbing about it, crying and gnashing our teeth over the seemingly EVERY DAY crowd that follows us from room to room, asking us over and over again, "Can I...?, Do you know where.....?", and the ever present, "Moooooooooooooommmmmmmmm..................................................."

I'm changing my name. Just call me Dad!

Multiplication

Says one third grader to another third grader, "Division is really hard until you know your multiplication facts,................................but once you learn them, you can do anything."

Anything? Really?..................

That is the question I posed. And the third graders: "Didn't you know that, Miss Lori?....How do you think you get into high school?"

I've been thinking about that......I think they're right....

And I have decided that multiplying all positive things really can get you somewhere...and then some....

sharing 5 blessings with 5 people is 25 blessings....sharing 8 blessings with 3 people is 24 blessings...

So.......calculated like that, (since I now know my multiplication facts), ...........

if I take my blessings of my family's love, my wonderful job, and my knowledge of a loving and forgiving God, and share them with 100 people, that makes 300 blessings......

Hmmmmmmmmmm......This could really catch on...I better stop blogging and start working on my multiplication facts....I can do anything!

2659 x 5.........., 31,000 x 16,........229 x 56,..........1751 x 93.............7270 x88,..........815 x 815,.......22 x 29995, 999 x 1500,..............................................................................................................

........................................................................................................................................................................

over the hill

So it's official................This weeks marks the official "over the hill" mark for me. My son turns 30! Thirty! THIRTY!!!....(no matter how I write it, it still looks ominous).

I've been thinking about this milestone for a while now...What does this mean to me? What will "it" look like from the other side of the hill? How did I get here?, and more importantly, how did I get here so quickly? What happened to the days and nights of my youth?......

I can only surmise that I have been sleeping....It seems like just yesterday that I was changing his diaper, spooning strained carrots into his mouth....like yesterday that I was nagging him to do his homework while he used every trick in the book to divert my attention away from schoolwork and onto the Power Rangers.............like yesterday that I was telling him about Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny and mean people who stole toys from children, called republicans....

Where did the time go?

This only proves a point that I have believed all along. We all stop growing mentally at about 25.. We may continue to grow emotionally, (and I hope I have), and we continue to grow physically, (alas, my girth will attest to that), but CLEARLY we hit 25 and stop. While I have been continuing to look around me and wonder where all the big hair went....where REO Speedwagon has been, and trying, (in vain) to find myself a pair of harache sandals, my child has become a man.

I am trying to wrap my head around this and what it means for me....(Let alone what it means for him).............So, I am guessing, if he is 30, that makes me, well,........................old....

There, I said it.

Okay, so not old, like ancient old, but old like teenagers call old, old....,

Not so old that I qualify for a senior citizens discount, but old enough to where handsome young men on motorcycles no longer turn for a second look..(and if I am being honest, that probably stopped happening long before this)................Old enough to begin that transition into invisibility.

And I refuse......................I refuse to go quietly............I will NOT be one of those women that walk through life as though they are ghosts......getting quieter and meeker and more easily manipulated as they grow older.

See,..society has told us, taught us to believe lies. We are useful as little girls,.....smiling and curtseying and holding hands, and warming the hearts of all. We are important as teenagers because of our budding bodies and burgeoning spirits. As we grow older, we become lovers, and wives and mothers, (and cooks and nurses and laundresses and housekeepers), and we are valuable. But is our value in who we are or in what we do?

At any rate, children grow older...............our outer beauty fades.............

So it's decided...I am going to step into old age, as I stepped into young adulthood. With beads around my neck, and a bottle in my hand. I am going to laugh like I have never laughed before, I am going to dance with everything I have..............I am going to taste every single moment of every single day and savor it. I am going to eat when I want, sleep when I want, and play in the dirt if that's what I want. I am going to paint with bright colors, and wear ribbons in my hair. I am going to love with abandon, and never worry about what people think. I am going to speak my mind and listen to loud music, and maybe even find myself a corncob pipe. See........

that's the beauty in being invisible....no one will see a thing..........

Except the people that really matter. They will see. They will see the beauty radiating out of me................the beauty of a wife and mother who has more waist, but less hang-ups, the beauty of a woman who cares more about clothing herself with kindness than expensive clothing. I will be that woman,.......for me,....................and for them....

So Happy Birthday, Dear John. You, my firstborn, taught me almost everything I know about unconditional love and sacrifice......and about the beauty in this old woman's life, and about caring for the world around me. (and also about making play-doh out of salt and flour and the names of all of the He-man characters) You were the beginning of all my perspective, and the notion that "it takes a village".................

And from this side of the hill, I see it.......and you never know, now that I am getting old, I might just become the mayor.

An open letter to people I've lost

So.............just so you know, I miss you.

When the wind howls around me, and the snow dances down, and I'm just home from work and thinking about making something warm and comforting, I miss you. I miss your call asking me how the roads were..............I miss your own indomitable courage and your zeal for driving on snowy roads.

When I'm feeling lost and worried, and I need to know that someone cares, I miss you. I miss how you always comforted me with your calmness and practicality. Somehow you always made me laugh at myself, and laugh at my worries.

When I go to the bank, that impersonal place, I miss you.................I miss your sweet smiling face, and your gentle, reassuring way that made me feel like I belonged, in a way that I don't ever feel anymore.

I miss how you kept an open mind and always saw the good in everyone,............until they crossed that line, and now I miss how you made me laugh at their antics, and be glad I was yours.

I miss that secret knowledge that burned in my heart that you were proud of me, and all I try to do. You never told me in so many words, but I knew then, and I know now.

I miss that you hung my VERY primitive artwork in your kitchen instead of tucking them away in the closet......I miss that you bought me art supplies instead of percale sheets one Christmas.

I miss the practical gifts, and that certainty that my mama was looking out for me......(You never know when you are going to need an oil lantern or extra guest towels)

I miss that you loved my kids almost as much as I do, and that you had their back.....your gifts to them might have seemed wrong to some people, but I loved that you loved them, just the way they are. I miss that I can't call you and cry to you when they go astray.

I miss sharing a cigarette and a cup of coffee with you, and the way it made me feel like your friend and your cronie, and not just your daughter. I miss every moment we drove in the car together and you always knew where we were going.

I miss your talk of hot dog gravy and field kresses and monkey bread. I miss your amazing meals, Mom.....

I miss you so many times..............so many moments of every day and every night...

I can't get my head around you being gone, even now...children are born, the seasons change, and how can I understand how the world keeps on turning......................keeps going,.....keeps changing, in a world without my mother.

And to you, my other loss....................

I just want to say a few things......I love you. I love you for the good, and I love you for the bad. Yup...it is true, you weren't always easy to live with,...............you with your Peter Pan sense of adventure and fun, and your complete inability to understand why groceries and heat and clothing are necessary items when raising a family. (I know you thought some of these things were important, ................just never at the same time) Maybe it was me,..............maybe it was you.............

When I am feeling old and gray and at a loss to remember what it felt like to be young, I remember you,..................being your wife......your playmate................when did the play turn to work?

It is only now, when I am older that I know that the days and nights of our youth were special and sacred,...that the family we forged, (and continue to forge) is worth every moment of the ecstasy and the agony. We two together are greater than the sum of our individual parts.....

I miss that we can't look back together over old times and ask why, and look to each other for the answers...(though in truth, you and I already know them)

I miss that with you gone, no one knows that I once was a gypsy dancer, a wild and free flower that grew tall and lovely in the lush summer grasses. I was Scarlett O'Hara to your Rhett Butler, and every good thing I wanted to be. For one moment in time, we were..............we were perfect.

I miss the talks we shared, the looks we exchanged, and the stories we shared...you and me and Michael.....

Yup, I even miss that...I miss that Michael would say, "Lori, maybe you are being too hard on Glenn.........................." and then you and he and I would all laugh, heartily, together.........

Maybe I was....and I miss that.

So, to both of you.............a little sliver of me went with you when you left.....but I like to think that a little sliver of you stayed here with me.....

I hear you,.......very quietly, in the summer, when the lightest breeze lifts the curtains at my window..........I hear you when Caleb and Rhys are snoring, safely tucked into bed......I hear you when our boys strum their guitars, unaware anyone is watching.....

I hear you when I hear Jaime singing, "Quesque sais...run, run awayyyyyyyyyy" and when Allison giggles in that still little girl way....

And I see you...Oh yes, I see you....in that glowing white corner of the clouds, reflecting the glory of God, and the wonder of where you are now...I see you, ................in every new leaf that opens in spring.....I see you, ............I see you as the kids gather round, and their kids...and I know that life keeps on going, and you keep on living......and I keep on getting old...

So when you're reading this, remember this old girl........and drop a little feather from the sky to just remind me that one day, I'll fly away, too.............and life will keep on going.....and so will I.