Need time alone?

So,.......I've been thinking and talking alot lately, about personal time,.....and about personal space...and I know how important it is, for me,.....for you,.....for all of us. Problem is, how often do any of us, (especially Moms like me) get to have personal time......ALONE? (I know that some of you husbands out there think that being at home with the kids is personal time.....Anyone who has ever had to hold a child on their lap while trying to use the toilet knows what I mean) THIS is not personal time. Children are the loves of our lives, the sun that gets us going in the morning and often our raison d'etre, BUT.....sometimes enough is enough...

Here is my solution: and I am titling it....

"Five easy ways to get alone and relaxed when your family won't let you get alone and relaxed."

Method #1: When the entire family has arrived home for the evening and is gathered around, waiting for dinner, inform them that dinner will be done shortly. Tell them that the brussels sprouts are almost tender and that the liver and onions is in the oven. I almost guarantee that Dad and the kids will hightail it out of the house so quick for McDonalds that you won't even have to fake it. When they have left, pour yourself a glass of vino and sit back and eat chocolate.

Method #2: When you get home from work in the evening, run to the bathroom, directly to the bathroom, lock the door, and make a distinct retching sound loud enough for your family to hear. Tell your husband it is that dreaded stomach virus that is going around and ask him to leave a roll of toilet tissue just outside the door. By the time you can say "hahaIamlying", the entire family will have vacated the premises long enough for you to enjoy that long sudsy bath you have been dreaming of all day.

Method #3: Announce to the family that you will be having a "Gee I" party..............

"Gee, I can't stand this dirty house anymore".........There is nothing that will clear a room (or your home) quicker than a family expected to participate in housecleaning detail. Suddenly your sullen teenagers and your lay-about husband will remember something very important they were supposed to do...............(The beauty of this method is that after you have had the house to yourself for the day, reading, sipping tea, or napping, they come home to a house that is just as dirty as it was before, and you can use this method again the following weekend.)

Method #4: Tell your husband and children that your favorite Aunt Millicent is coming for a visit. Remind them of the times she spit on her finger and rubbed it on a smudge on your nose, or the many times she has asked to see that birthmark she remembers on your inner thigh. In a nervous voice say quietly, "oh my, I hope Aunt Milly doesn't remember me telling her about that pimple on your bottom...." THEY ARE OUTTA THERE!!! (This works particularly well if said Aunt Milly lives out of town and they fear she may be staying overnight) Plan for a two day Mommy getaway.

Method #5: ...............my personal favorite.......Guilt! Use it to your advantage! How many times has it been used against you? In a sorrowful tone, mention how sad it is that the kids never get enough time with Dad....and of course, statistics say that children who do not spend enough time with Dad fall into all sorts of trouble...(make it financial and Dad will really panic)....Sigh loudly, and wistfully, and say that you hope that your children will not be marred from all the time they spend without their father....(This is a good time to remember out loud that your son likes to play with paper dolls), and then (very innocently) ask Dad if he would like to try the scones that Junior baked yesterday after he finished curling your hair. By the time you have baited the trap, hubby is already caught. Without further discussion, the fishing poles are loaded in the car and the children are off for a day of frivolity and fun with Dad. And Dad takes the girls, too. Perhaps if they learn to fish, they will spend more time in pursuits like catching worms and less time playing with baby dolls...Dad is thinking, "Remove the temptation"

All of these methods are good and fine, and work wonderfully for a day at home, alone, reading or catching up on a movie you have wanted to see.....but what if you want a day alone, shopping, without your pre-pubescent daughter and friends tagging along....Follow this advice, and you are home free, (uh,.........I mean mall free)

Purchase some of those pink foam rollers at the discount store..(they are a wonderful investment in your mental health). Roll your hair up on them, and then find a paisley, or better yet, green plaid scarf to tie around your head. Get your husbands best white athletic socks, and fish out your flip-flops from last summers vacation. Put both on, along with a pair of grey sweatpants and a flannel shirt from your husbands closet, and then announce to your daughter, "Hey sweetpea, wanna go to the mall with me? I bet we will run into all of your friends there, since everyone is shopping for the daddy-daughter dance"..(On another note, thank God for the daddy-daughter dance....one MORE opportunity for alone time). I can say, with 100% certainty that your daughter will NOT accept your invitation. She may humor you by saying she is feeling under the weather, or she might even be honest and tell you that she wouldn't be caught dead out in public with you, but either way (and what do you care) you are guaranteed a day of shopping bliss.

Oh, and one more note....Be sure that you have already put on jeans and a tee shirt under your sweats and flannels....It's easy to get the rollers out once you are a block away from home, but take it from me,............it can be dangerous disrobing and re-robing in the car. I STILL have that round bruise on my hip from the gear shift knob, and I don't know how I will fare in court next week on the public indecency charge...............

Of course, those of you who know me, KNOW that I really don't mind spending every waking moment with my husband and kids, (NOT), and you also know that I don't have an Aunt Millicent.......And as for the public indecency charge, you all KNOW that aside from a small box truck, there is not enough room in any vehicle for me to change in....

but laugh about it we must......(better than sobbing about it, crying and gnashing our teeth over the seemingly EVERY DAY crowd that follows us from room to room, asking us over and over again, "Can I...?, Do you know where.....?", and the ever present, "Moooooooooooooommmmmmmmm..................................................."

I'm changing my name. Just call me Dad!