and, before I begin, I *will* say this.......................some of these were lies of omission, some of them not lies, really, just misinformation I thought was true at the time....
1. SUGAR IS A VEGETABLE. Sugar is not, in fact, a vegetable, and I knew it all along.....but it is vegetative, and I do think, (much like carrots supply us with a necessary nutrient) that a certain amount of sugar each day is essential for good spirit development.
2. YOU CAN DROWN IN A TEASPOON OF WATER. In my defense, this lie began well before I became a mother,........and if it kept you all from falling asleep in a swimming pool, I will not apologize.
3. IT'S AS EASY TO LOVE A RICH MAN AS IT IS TO LOVE A POOR MAN. This could not possibly be anything but a lie, as noone, and I mean NOT ONE SOUL that I have ever known has fallen in love with a rich man.
4. NICE GIRLS DON'T WEAR THONGS. Nice girls DO wear thongs.....if they feel like it. They wear granny panties, bikinis, the occasional pair of men's boxers, and even no panties at all. "Nice" is a function of the soul, not the behind.
5. UNSWEETENED TEA IS ILLEGAL IN 8 STATES......(refer to lie # 1)
6. OUR REFRIGERATOR IS A TEST GROWING SITE FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENTS OFFICE ON HOMEGROWN ANTIBIOTICS.... Not..........Mommy has no time to clean the refrigerator, but it felt like you all would buy this lie. Mold after all is intriguing.
7. A CLEAN HOME IS A SIGN OF A SICK MIND....Truthfully, a dirty home is the sign of ADHD run amuk....................the only thing sick about someone who can manage their life, their job, AND their home is that they often run in families, and alas, not ours.
8. "THE FORMULA"...(Girls, you remember this.......when you buy something, and then have to explain the cost of it to your husband, you subtract 70% of the purchase price, then add 1.87 for the total that you tell him)... It is 2012.....you deserve it whatever the cost, and it is alright to tell the truth..however, a brief mention of an overstock sale can still go a long way. Also, the purchase of some small incidental for said husband can really smooth the way for your new purchase.
9. MOM'S SPECIAL RECIPE................one word here............"butter" If it tastes better when mom makes it, it is just the addition of one little ingredient...
10. "I NEVER INHALED" ....................enough said....
11. CHOCOLATE IS A DAIRY PRODUCT.....just because some of it is called "milk chocolate" does not mean you need 3 servings a day.
12. DUCT TAPE IS A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND.... a loving, caring and kind husband is a girls best friend, but without a doubt duct tape IS a girl's best thing to have in an emergency.
13. A BUBBLE BATH WILL RELAX YOU MORE THAN ALCOHOL... all those long baths you remember mommy taking? can we all say amaretto sours?...(I am kidding, kids.....kidding!!)
14. LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE....money is actually the best medicine. It can buy real medicine, good food, a night on the town, a good night's sleep and a night at the comedy club....
15. THEY CALLED ME EINSTEIN WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL....No, they didn't....they called me "short bus, Lori"
16. MY FAVORITE GIFTS ARE CHILD MADE MISSHAPEN CLAY ASHTRAYS. My favorite gifts are grandchildren.
17. PRETTY IS AS PRETTY DOES..really? This lie has been told for generations.......let's face it, we all know that beautiful woman who routinely lies and cheats and steps on everyone in the name of attention, and has anyone EVER said, "that woman is just soooo ugly"?
18. YOUR TEACHER KNOWS WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT....she might just be fudging to get through the day to that bubble bath.
19. REAL MEN EAT QUICHE.....none of the real men I know do...............they eat meat that has been drug through the yard by cats, cookies left in the oven for days, and cereal after all the marshmellows have been picked out, but they do NOT eat quiche.
20. IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS....only to your mother. Everyone else wants cold hard cash.
21. GRAY IS THE NEW HOT....this is the desperate claim of a not so gracefully aging Mama..
22. IT'S NOT FAT, IT'S RELAXED MUSCLE. It IS fat....( and I apologize for the genetics you have inherited...
and HERE is the list of something that has never been a lie................NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL.
I love you all more than you can imagine,.....more than all the sands on all the shores of all the seas..
more than I ever thought possible, and YOU, all of you, are my crowning jewels, and nothing you can ever do will change the amount of love I have for you.
(disclaimer....regarding number 13.....I never drank......wasn't safe to keep in the house with you all.)
You need to keep blogging !
ReplyDeletewhen I have the time, my love.
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