Summer Heat

I know..................it has been exactly one month and 17 days since I last posted.

One month and 17 days of mostly hot, HOT days.

I am tired, worn out really, and am looking forward to enjoying summer vacation. Alas, I realize it is half over and I have not even started yet. Will this be the summer I remember years from now as "THE" summer? It's funny how we never know while we are in it, while we are living it, that these may be the days we will remember in years to come, as the "good old days", or the "worst days of my life".

I want to memorize every sound I hear, every sight I see. I want to make a clay impression of my life, in my mind, so that years from now, I will remember everything that mattered, but instead, I think........................I will remember the heat. I will remember a hot wind blowing across a parched brown lawn, cracks enlarging in the dry brown dirt in my garden.

I will remember "the cusser", a young (very young) JD (juvenile delinquent) running the streets of my town, with no respect or regard for himself, let alone anyone else. I will remember his faceless obscenities, spoken to the night, his trying to make sense of the injustice of HIS life, and me trying to make sense of how one child can already be so jaded, so ugly minded that already he has lost the ability to feel anything but meanness and hatred and it so fills his mind and his heart and his spirit that he feels he must defile everyone within hearing distance by swearing and cursing and tainting the night air.

I will remember the smells of this town, especially as they linger in the hot afternoon sun, and I will remember how the smell assaulted more than our nostrils. I will remember how they tore apart the safety and loving kindness in our community, how they made us feel afraid in our own town, afraid to even be out with one another, distrustful and violated. I will remember the sadness when I realized how much life can be disrupted by strangers, and their own brand of insanity. When I remember this summer, I will remember it for it's inequity, it's violation, the taking away of something that should be intrinsically ours................our peace of mind.

I will remember the fear and desperation in my heart, I am sure, as I struggled to leave the last remaining vestiges of innocence and child-like trust on the cutting room floor. "I am afraid", I thought. Afraid of my Daddy getting sick and not recovering, afraid of him not loving me anymore, afraid of him not knowing how much I love him.

I am afraid of working so much that I feel as thin spirited as onion paper, paper that will dissolve and disintegrate when my many tears fall upon it. I am afraid of not working enough to support my family and myself and having to count change to buy milk and bread for the young. I am afraid of working my life away at a job I don't love, only to discover that when I retire, I have no time left. Mostly I am afraid of the lack of hope that permeates the very air I breathe, no hope for a brighter future for me and my family....only a certainty that I can no longer follow my magical thinking to it's logical conclusion, a dream I built on the promises of a different time.

Will I remember this as the summer that I learned the truth? The summer when I gave over my want for something more on this earth to the certain knowledge that I will never attain it? Will this be the summer that I started looking more forward to life everlasting with it's heavenly possibilities than to life among the living here on earth? Maybe, this, then, is when we finally grow up, when we reach that threshold and step over it into real adulthood.

Or,......................is this the summer that begins a new life? Will I look back and remember these hot and dusty days as the dark before the storm? Will there be a silver lining? Is there the promise of peace and prosperity on the other side? We never know...........................and in the not knowing, we continue to salvage and plunder all of the good we can glean from the here and now.

And like those dried out and tired flowers adorning my garden, dusty and brown from heat and drought, we go to seed. We release our seeds of hope into the fertile ground we have farrowed,....cultivated during the heat of summer, and they drop and take root in the soil that is our faith, and eventually the rains will come..........They will grow and thrive.

And when that time comes, some distant day away, will I remember this summer as the "good old days", or some of the "worst days of my life"? Will I remember the way the tomatoes grew like beanstalks and the morning glories thrived? Will I remember the surprise I felt at dancing with my nephew as though I were a valued and treasured family member? Will I remember the pride and joy and love and hope that I took in my children and my grandchildren? I hope so.

I want to keep on keeping on..................for them,......so that they will know the value of walking on in faith, the glory of continuing to try and rising above all that pulls you down. I want this to be the summer that THEY remember....the summer when Mom stood strong and overcame.

And as for me,......summer is only half over. I think I'll try a little more.....laugh a little more, pray a little more and try, REALLY hard to remember not to take myself so seriously.

It happened last night. I was sleeping, tucked up next to you in the chilly air. A cleansing breeze was blowing in the window, blowing out the heat, and it seems to me, blowing out the oppression of worry and strife.

The moonlight streamed in, parting the night with a silvery blade of clarity. The lace curtains breathed with the wind,.............puffing out, then pulling back. That glowing yet subtle light fell across your sleeping face, and I laid there, turned to you, watching you sleep.

You slept the sleep of the young............your lips slightly parted and your brow unfurrowed. You had your hand overhead and your fingers were relaxed and open. I lay there, wondering what you were dreaming, or if you were dreaming, thinking how wonderful it would be to see another's dreams. (or maybe not)

Lying there with my Paddington bear flannel sheet wrapped around me, watching you and watching the pattern of a summer breeze, I almost lost myself in wondering about times past, and people past. I wondered if thousands and millions of women who went before me laid awake at night, taking strength simply from a change in the weather.

I felt young, and yet ancient, a part of some ageless history, some very quiet untelling of truths, thousands of people lying in secret, entertaining themselves by the whiff of the wind, and the scent of rose petals on the air....a yearning to go back, or at least a yearning to share this feeling with someone they love. I felt transformed......................transformed by a cool breeze, and it made me remember a different time............a younger time.

Remembering a time when each morning was ripe with new possibilities, and like each day was a gift wrapped package, waiting to be opened by greedy fingers. Those times,.....there was no thought, no reflection on what the day meant, or what it could be, but rather, just what it was....and what it was.... was immediacy. Too much life and events and activities to stop and think about them. I wonder if that is the only difference between then and now..................that wizened tendency to meditate and contemplate on the events of an everyday life. I am thinking that is what makes me tired so much. Perhaps I think too much, and enjoy too little. Or perhaps it is simply because I know now that all of life's beauty and passion is really in the details. I WANT to think about them. I want to wallow in them, bathe in them, and capture them to remember when I am a very old woman.

But I digress..........

As I laid there, watching you, thinking of all the time we have slept together, just like this, you and me, I remember all of the life we have shared. Not the moments of daytime, shared with the world and shared with our family and our friends and our co-workers, but the moments spent in the darkness, in the night........those quiet times that have formed the knot that is us.

Nights that we spent awake, all night long, playing and giggling and discovering the child in each other, .......nights of romance and passion that made me feel like a heroine in some romance novel. Nights and nights of gentle companionship, whispering thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams to each other, maybe afraid to voice them in the light of day. We've had nights of holding onto each other, when words were not enough to express the pain that life was bringing us and we held on because there was nothing left to do, and nights of shared ecstasy when we've celebrated some small victory for our children. Yes, my love, there have been nights of feeding sleep, nourishing, to begin anew in the morning, and nights of deep petulant insomnia,...nights of "Are you awake? You are, too?" Nights when it seems the only sound was the retching or crying of a sick child and the toilet flushing and the washing machine filling and spinning, filling and spinning. There are the nights of fitful sleep (and many of them) when some little boy (mostly) or girl slept between us, completely unaware of anything except the warm comfort of two stable adults beside them. There are those nights when the intensity of our thoughts kept us awake, thinking, thinking,...........like the cogs of a machine, going all night long. And yes, even a few nights, spent back to back, when our stubborn hearts were slow to forgive and even slower to admit we were wrong.

All of these nights have twisted and shaped us, bent us and molded us into the bundle of parents and people and lovers we are now, strong and unbreakable, a tangle of all of life's details rolled into one.

You, my beloved husband, are my rock. You are my dearest and best friend, my ardorous lover. You are my confidante, my muse and my jester. Without you, I am like a coconut.....sweet and nourishing inside, but only if someone can get to it. With you in my life, I am pure and sweet and sometimes a bit spicy, filled with the milk of sunshine and rain and of life. I love you.

And as I laid there, watching the light move across your face, and I took your fingers in mine and kissed each of them and gently laid them over my heart. And I said a little prayer for you. and I thanked God that you were you and that you were mine, and then I slept.

Channeling Glenn

For those of you who don't know, Glenn is my first husband,...............the husband of my child-self, the prince who came to the damsel in distress...(Mike being the prince who came to the old dame in distress)..........Glenn is gone now, passed into heaven far too early, and very often, I miss him, and wonder what he would be thinking, what he would be saying about life, about the kids,.......about how the world is changing. What creative solutions would he have for the world's ills and what would he be doing?

Once, not long after his death, I took a piece of paper and a pencil, and I began to write.............without thought and without fear, and I wrote what I felt like he wanted to say, and miracle of miracles, it sounded like him...........

So today, I am going to try that again. Let me close my eyes, and clear my thoughts and see who comes calling.

Hey Lori.....

I know you think this is a silly exercise, even though it was your suggestion, but, in truth, here I am....here is what I have to say......

You are doing a fine job with the kids. I wish that Lindsey and JT spent more time outdoors and learned how to grow things,........tomatoes and corn and okras, but they are learning alot of other things. You always were one to teach the kids the subtleties of life, while I taught the more down to earth, hands on things. They are growing up and into fine young people. I cannot believe that JT will be going to college this fall. He really is your baby boy, isn't he, and the promise you made to him all those years ago has not been any obligation at all to you, has it? I am glad that Lindsey knows her mother. I am so glad that she has you and Michael for stability and for love and for health and safety, but she needs a relationship with her mother to know where she comes from and to know why I did the things I did and loved her the way that I did. Give them my love. Give it to them every day and every night.

Now, the big kids..................I am SO proud of them. Do they know how much I love them? Do they know how proud I am of them? Do they know how much I missed them growing up? I loved them so much, then, and now, and really, words cannot even say what I feel about them. They are my youth. When I look at them, I think of us,......you and me at 20, at 25, you and me trying, and trying, and working hard to determine who we were going to be and how we were going to raise these kids......I wish things had been different, in some ways.......The gaining of our wisdom cost them, maybe not more than other kids, but when it is your kid, you want them to have it all, to have everything....We were kids,....taking care of kids,.......and in that way, we gave them more than most......but just like little children, sometimes both of us wanted our own way, and the babies were left in the middle.

No harm done, though. They are who they are and what they are because of who we were and what what we were, and they are wonderful. They are filled with a gentleness and a kindness most rare these days. They love honestly, and they work and play honestly, and we both should feel very, very proud.

And what about that Rhys? He is something, isn't he? Reminds me so much of Keith..........and yet in other ways, he is so much like Jaime.

John is doing well. You remembered what I told you, Lori. When John gets down or discouraged, you only need to turn him around on the road, point him in the other direction and tell him to go.....the rest he can and will do for himself. He is a part of me, and always has been...Do you think that he knows that when he hurts, I hurt?

And Allison.............Whoa......she is one go-getter....Always was.....Does she still read all of the time? She is a beautiful girl, a beautiful stranger,......................although, .I hope not to herself. Can you tell her that I love her and that more than anything she needs to love herself, just the way she is............as I always have..................even when she didn't know it or believe it?

And Jaime......our baby girl is not a baby anymore, is she? I am so proud of her, too....She is the free thinker......remember all the plays she put on when she was little? ever the performer...Tell her Daddy said to stop play-acting and live her genuine life.....

You and Mike.............You all need to relax and take things a bit less serious.......stop worrying so much. Do you have any idea how beautiful life is,.........there? and here? It is beautiful here and we all are fine...............and we watch over you, all of you.....There is nothing that you all cannot do if you work together. Let me repeat that. There is NOTHING that you cannot do if you work together. That is the most important lesson of all.....I wish I had learned it there instead of here. We can, all of us, do anything, be anything, have anything if we realize how much love we all have combined, and if we work together, for one common goal.....

That's true in a family......it's true in a company, a corporation, a community or a country.

We all have our strengths and our weaknesses................some of us grow the food, some of us buy the seed,.........some of us knead the dough, some of us bake the bread. As soon as we accept each other for what we are, we are there.

I like President Obama. Wasn't so sure from the get go..............You know me, I am nervous about organized party politics. He is a good man, an honest man, working hard, and really trying, GENUINELY to change the landscape of this country....I just wish people were not so afraid of change......

About heaven,......Do you remember the song I sang to you the day after I died? it's all true. This is beautiful. It is perfection. It is all the people you love, here together, smiling, singing, holding hands, sharing our loves. There is no jealousy, no strife.....No one worries, or cries, or gets angry. We have everything we need. Sometimes your mom and I lunch together in this little park near my house. It is SO much like sitting in her yard at home, drinking coffee, and watching the cows graze.....it is quiet, and safe, and we talk, and watch the kids,.........and sometimes, I visit Dad.....He spends most of his time at the golf course and is teaching everyone he knows how to golf......they laugh, and take turns and stop here and there to admire the sky....

They are all here, Lori....everyone.....Dad, Granny, Grandma.........your mom,......our lost boys....Uncle G.....Don't you worry about a thing. God wants you to know that. He wants you to know that He is here, and He is there, and that He is in control. He has it covered, all of it, and all of us, and heaven really is about peace....................the peace of no more worries, no more grief.

I met your grandma the other day, your Daddy's mother. She said to tell you that really was her that came that day, singing that song, but that she thinks she forgot some of the words....She says she will remember it all one day and try singing it again.

Tell my mom I love her. And tell her I am so amazed by her strength and her warmth. I am in awe of all that she can do, and all that she has been, to you, to Mike and to the kids. Dad and I laugh about it all the time, and Dad says he could have told me years ago that my mother was made of fire, and was the strongest women he ever knew............

Well, you better get going. I heard Jaime on the phone, asking you to bring some coffee on down....She needs you this morning to be a grown-up..She is a grown up, but she needs another one some days to feel like it is okay to keep growing up. Tell her not to sweat it, the kid is still in there. She can be anyone she wants to be. Just tell her to enjoy it, whatever she chooses that day.

Tell Mike I said thanks for passing on the message. I cannot believe he followed direction so well. Who knew? I should have known, I guess................living with a wise woman so long, surely he knows.....

Okay, get back to me again soon. We're here, watching and laughing and praying and praising, and knowing that we will all be together again...

Lessons from grade school

The more things change, ................the more things stay the same. In some ways.

These days, I wonder around, sadly nostalgic about all of the things my children and their children will never experience..........They will never know the wonder and joy of playing in their own dream city, built from the ground up using sticks and rocks and mud, Matchbox cars traversing it's highways and bi-ways. (They have toys!!) (TOYS? You had toys? Well, in my day, we had one orange to share between us............." LOL Sorry, I digress.......

They won't have memories of playing "Witchy, witchy Bluemont" and "The Aldie Damn is breaking". They won't dance on picnic tables to 45's, they won't buy penny candy at the corner store and they won't have those long lazy days of summer that we had that seemed to stretch into eternity and allow that anything was possible.

What they will have is "structured" summer fun, healthy nutritious snacks, and games that are considered safe and politically correct. Don't get me wrong.............Safe and healthy are good....but I have to say there was something very liberating about eating candy by the bag and having Kool-aid and sandwich cookies at VBS each summer. (Today's VBSers are lucky to get goldfish crackers instead of carrots and celery sticks) And there are countless kids today who don't even KNOW what Kool-Aid is. (Listen up, kiddies, and I will tell you about colored sugar water served up in a smiling plastic pitcher)

But, just when I think all is lost, and that kids today miss all of the good stuff, I will overhear a couple of them or observe some time honored kid tradition, and I smile,....I guess I am just a tired old woman wishing for the world to remain the same, and ( at least in the ways of kids everywhere) it does.

The things we all need to learn, we really do learn in grade school, and the things we do in grade school must really be primal, passed on genetically through the generations. What else can explain the irrational need all children have to spit on their hands before climbing on the jungle gym.( Hasn't all of our talk about germs and viruses and personal space and bodily fluids sunk in yet?)

So here are just a few of the lessons I have gleaned from working with children these past few years:

1. anything, ANYTHING can be used as a ball.

2. Most kids, if left to their own devices, REALLY take that "it's not fair" phrase to heart....generally, they self police, and I have witnessed many an act of kindness in the name of fairness.

3. "if a grown-up didn't see it, I didn't do it"

4. the opposite of "hot outside" is "cold outside" and for most kids, there is no in between.

5. underneath the most irritating child is the most enchanting person, just waiting to grow up

6. sharing is a concept easily grasped by school-age children and often outgrown by high school age.

7. "cat" and "kat" have the same meaning, and most children have at least one good "kat" story to tell

8. a child will tell you that Daddy yelled at Mommy with the same equanimity as telling you they got to eat pizza twice over the weekend. (Beware Mom and Dad, kids tell all)

9. Being "out there" with their feelings of anger, frustration and hurt is okay with kids. They watch it unfold, keep their cool, make objective suggestions, and when Joey calms down, all is forgotten and Joey is back in the game.

10. Forgiveness is inborn, it it "taught out" of us apparently, and in grade school, it still thrives

11. A salad is a salad is a salad, and no amount of ranch dressing is going to make it into pizza.

12. A caterpillar is a pet.

13. Wrinkled, crinkled, bent paper is as good as fresh flat paper (and it is only me that is so OCD about using new paper"

14. "Water" is the universal word for "celebrate with abandon" in kidspeak

and finally, at least for now.......

15. There REALLY is a half birthday mark, and being 8 and a half is REALLY a world apart from being 8.

Idle ramblings

which I will say happens ALL of the time, despite the fact that I never have any idle time....funny, how that happens, isn't it? Some of our best and brightest thinking occurs when we are not able to harness it and use it to make the world a better place.

So, .....I decided it had been a very L-O-N-G time since I had blogged, and it seemed like it was time, (even though in truth, I have nothing in particular to blog about), so here I am. And as I sit here, gazing at my computer screen, I am thinking harder and harder, trying to remember those moments of epiphany I have had over the last few weeks that I now actually have time to share.....

And guess what comes to mind? NOT ONE BLASTED THING.....It is true, I am not a roaring, smoking intellect, but, YES, in fact, I often have moments of crystal clear clarity of thought,....times when the great wide sea of confusion clears long enough for me to make a realization, to have one of those "light bulb" moments, yet now, not one of them is coming to me.

So, since I have last posted, I have managed to cross that invisible boundary into wizened old woman.....(turned 50), and what do you know? I am okay with it.....In fact, I feel a certain victory in it, a certain "je ne sais quois", as though I have actually woken and found myself in a new land, inhabited by real people with real hearts and souls instead of the shallow and superficial residents of the village of youth and vigor....

Don't get me wrong. There is still that heart catching moment when you remember some small detail of your young life, when it feels like some old memory has been pulled from you, and you know in that instant, that you will never feel that way again. There are those times when the pain from those leftover hurts comes back, and even though you can bear the pain in a way that you couldn't before, the joys and the sweet memories that come with it are almost too much to bear.....like looking into the sun without any glasses. And maybe that is what we do.......maybe all of our lives we are building shields, growing tougher and thicker skins so that we can survive. But when you remember your tender past, you remember it almost as a mother remembers a child...

And maybe that is what true old age is........that group of people who have managed to significantly dull the pain of life, (or at least put it into perspective), giving them the capacity to show compassion and understanding and care to those still going through it, knowing that none of us, REALLY, can take it............and knowing that the pains in life and the joys are what has made us who we are, but in some perverse way, we must keep those feelings capped off.....to survive.

And maybe, just maybe, that is what heaven is.................or at least one part of heaven. Heaven will be the time and the place to feel the pain of our lives, and correct it, get it right,......Take back the hurt and the anger, and the regrets. Say the "I'm sorry's" and the "forgive me's" that have been in our hearts in life. REALLY and TRULY make it right. And maybe heaven is the time and the place to truly share our joy. When we can finally live IN that joy and IN that light without fear of it going away, and when no one else wants it or needs it so badly, they try and steal it away from us....

And maybe that sense of peace that old people get nearing the end of their lives.....is really, their anticipation of that great day in heaven when past meets present and we get to love again and live again, without that great overcoat of apathy we have worn like our second skin, most of our lives. and maybe taking it off, and really feeling those feelings again, is like the first warm sun of spring, touching our skin after the cold, cold winter. I can't wait to dance in the light of the sun, surrounded by all those people I love.

Or maybe, I am just a crazy old broad who needs a second cup of coffee this morning.

Not sure......but I know that today, my worries and stresses are greater......my pain may be duller, my joys not as pronounced.....I worry, (and worry and worry and WORRY) about my kids and my grandbabies...I don't want them to experience pain and loss and disillusionment in their lives.....but as for me,......living "in the middle" isn't so bad......................

It's a simpler life,.....not complicated with people, places and things. Really, by now,....all I need to be content is my home, my family, and my self respect.....and of course, all that and a few hundred skeins of yarn. So give me my coffee by morning, my tea by afternoon, a good loaf of chewy bread and the happiness and safety of my young, and me and my old man can call it a good day.

Weekend Warrior

I want to be....................I DESPERATELY want to be..................I want to come home on Friday night, after working hard all week, and I want to be able to tear into everything that I have missed all week.

I want to get into my garage...LITERALLY! I want to be able to get into it, and use it. This means I must first clear a path,..................then make my way into it, toss a lot of nothing into trash bags for the garbage man, stack up lots of other nothings, in case I ever *need* them...(I am sure you other pack rats out there know what I mean.), and move the remaining *important* things around so that they are in a position to be useful to me. Somewhere in the wild ramblings of my mind, this space is going to be my studio....I will knit here, paint here, sew here, sculpt here, maybe even swim here..............(it has been done before, thank you Mr. Page)

The thing is, I never manage to make my way here to be able to do the clean-up.....

And why???

Because I am so busy trying to carve out some time for myself, that I don't have time to carve out some time AND some space for myself.

Today my idea was to wash clothes,..............(especially good idea since I am now wearing hubby's boxers since my undies are all in a large wicker basket waiting to be laundered).Did I get that done?

Nope!

My next idea for today was to get out the sewing machine, and get out some fabrics and make Lindsey and I some awesome skirts to wear now that the snow has finally gone and the sun is shining. You know what I realized? I am really not a sewing kind of girl..............oh, yes, I can make do, and actually, I did make one skirt for Lindsey, out of some frilly, flow-y, sparkly lavender chiffon -like fabric, but truthfully? It was like pulling teeth.....................WELL ROOTED TEETH!....................I now have a sewing machine, several spools of thread, scissors, 6 or 7 stacks of fabric and2 pairs of glasses lying on the dining room table.....(where earlier there was a simply, understated fruit bowl) I would say, I have now made more work for myself.....and EVEN less time tomorrow for anything else, since I have now created a dining room mess to be cleaned up.

I also wanted to clean off my front porch, dress it up a bit for spring..............make a few pillows for the porch swing, hang a star lantern, perhaps even clean out the collections of boxed junk hiding under a covered table out there..............Nope! didn't happen!

So what did I do today? I watched my grandbaby learn to sort shapes and colors into a Sesame Street learning toy.......and I got the unspeakable joy of hearing him say, "melmo,....melmo", over and over again..................and to this Nana, that was the best sound ever. I managed to do something very, VERY difficult that I thought I never would be able to do on circular needles...(the jury will remain out on this particular project for a few more days)...........But mostly, I used my most precious commodity,,....my time,..............lamenting how little time there is, and little time I have, and how MUCH time I need..........

What a waste of a perfectly good Saturday. So tonight, as I ease my troubled conscience by blogging, I am telling myself that "Tomorrow I WILL get something done...........tomorrow I WILL make up for the wasted time today....." Tomorrow I will do laundry, at least one load so I can wear girl panties to work on Monday, I will get into the garage, at least long enough to put the dining room fabric away,......tomorrow, I will go to the front porch...I will. I will go out there, look at how much needs doing, and I will turn around and walk back inside.

I will go into my backyard and feel defeated by the weeds taking over my border.....I will lie in my hammock *planning* my garden, and when tomorrow night rolls around, I will be lamenting my lack of accomplishment out there, as I am lamenting my lack of accomplishment in here tonight................

And when Sunday night turns into Monday morning, I will already be planning.................Next weekend, I will be a weekend warrior...........I will work in the garden, clean my garage, sew some skirts,walk the dog, do the laundry, bake a cake, and maybe even lie in the hammock reveling in my successes.

April fools day

Yup..........here it is again.....

I remember April Fool's day fondly for most all of my life....My mom, almost EVERY single year, tried the same prank on me....."Lori, (while gently shaking me awake in the morning",.........Lori, there has been snow overnight. School is canceled! Snow Day!"..........(even as a child, I ADORED the life-giving, mental health-sustaining, snow day). And then after 3 minutes of pure, joyous bliss, she would laugh and say, "April Fools Day!!!!!!!!"

Now that I think about it, alot of my childhood bliss memories started with me lying in drowsy happiness with a promise from my mom. I had a recurring dream as a child, (well, I had 3 recurring dreams as a child, but for our purposes here, just one).........my mom would come to my bedside, gently awaken me, and put a plate of warm, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies on my bed. They would smell heavenly, and even in my fugue state, I could see the melted chocolate dripping down the cookies and onto the plate. I would feel the warmth transfer from the plate of cookies to the blankets, and it was more than I could bear. I would sit up, reach for the largest, chewiest cookie, and then, alas, I would wake up and realize it had all been a dream. Oh, the disappointment......

And the worst part..................this dream happened over and over and over again.....either that or it was so traumatic that it stayed with me forever. I can remember , (at least it seems this way) waking up to the cookies on many occasions, and saying to myself, somewhere in the depths of my sleep fogged brain, "It's just a dream, there's no cookies there...........don't fall for it", and yet, fall for it, I did. Every single time! and you ask? "Why is this a bliss memory?"

Because the joy I felt at my mom being there, first thing in the morning......the joy of a warm, chewy, chocolate thing, made by my mom, just for me.....was bliss. Illusion? Yes, but a real one. One that could have happened.....................Morning was definitely the time for Mom miracles in my childhood.

But I digress.................I was talking about April Fool's day.....Do you remember the pranks? the jokes? Surely I was not the only one who delighted in them........I remember the other kids, writing notes that said, "kick me", and pinning them or taping them on the back of other kids. While I would NEVER have done such a thing, (far too shy and diminuative), I secretly watched and laughed and thought how clever such a thing was.....

And then there was the great hoax of 1984.....A bright and shiny April Fools day morning.......(much like today) Another morning........................(much like those mornings of my childhood), but this time, I am a grown up. Glenn is lying in bed next to me, languishing over the warm sun bathing us both in springtime warmth. "Lori," he says, "It is a beautiful day....I can't go to work......Will you call in for me?" "No,", I hissed....."I am NOT calling in for you. If you want to call off work, do it for yourself" Well, for those of you who know me, you also know that I am very easily persuaded, and was particularly vulnerable to the persuasive tactics of one Glenn V Davis.................

"What will I say? What sounds like the truth?....Glenn, you are going to make me go to hell doing this". He laughs, and then says, "It's April Fool's Day,.....they expect a little prankery" My conscience goes right out the window..............my moral compass points south, and, AS USUAL, I am talked into playing silly games with Glenn.

"Well, we are not sure.......................rash,..............fever,............all of them,....yes,....as soon as we know.....okay, ....okay,........thanks, appreciate your concern......bye now", and then I hang up the phone and giggle. Glenn laughs, I laugh, and by now all three of the babies are awake and laughing.....I am remembering those paper signs, "kick me", and I laugh all the more......Glenn has coached me, and I have called his work, (which shall remain nameless) told his boss the kiddies all have some sort of rash, fever, and that we need to take them to the doctor, and so Glenn needs off for the day. They buy it, hook, line and sinker.................

We play, we eat, we picnic,.........................we take a walk, we fly kites,................we all lay down for a nap in the warm spring sunshine, and we mostly just enjoy this fine April day with each other and with our children, forgetting completely about our responsibilities, our "real" lives as mother and father and worker, as husband and wife, and member of society.

By afternoon, we are all played out...............the babies come inside with me to watch Sesame Street while I go into the kitchen to prepare dinner. Glenn lounges on the sofa, reading a book about Robert E. Lee.......the sun is low in the sky, and we are all happy, sated with our day playing hookie, and the phone rings....

"Yes,...........oh wow, Nathan, I forgot...............yes, ....yes,...............Oh no, not at all. Sorry you were worried.....yes,.....it's fine.....yes, tomorrow,...nothing serious....okay. Well, get some sleep" Glenn finishes the phone call and hangs up. He looks at me and says, "We forgot to call work after we *took the kids to the doctor*" (lies have a way of getting away from you, and it is impossible to remember, sometimes, who you told what to, and when). "uh-oh", I say.

"Everyone at work has been waiting for my call today.....they have been worried sick. Worried about the babies, AND worried about their wives..............and their babies..........."

"I thought we were the only ones with babies at work"....

"Exactly," he said "We are.........the others are ALL expecting babies...............They have been waiting around all day fearing that our babies had rubella, and that I had been carrying the virus into the shop all week long".......

Uh-oh.....................I go white, thinking about how they must have worried......Me, with my over-anxious, over-working brain, and knowing that if I were pregnant and exposed to rubella how I would have panicked, imagining the birth defects..................

Okay, so this is where I learned about having fun with April Fool's Day. Since that day,..........I realize that fear is not fun, worry is not fun.................

So, if you hear me asking you if you want a chocolate chip cookie, warm from the oven..............I might be lying if it is April Fool's Day, but if you hear me tell you that your car is on fire, you had better call 911, because I am not bluffing, and I am not fooling.........