Idle ramblings

which I will say happens ALL of the time, despite the fact that I never have any idle time....funny, how that happens, isn't it? Some of our best and brightest thinking occurs when we are not able to harness it and use it to make the world a better place.

So, .....I decided it had been a very L-O-N-G time since I had blogged, and it seemed like it was time, (even though in truth, I have nothing in particular to blog about), so here I am. And as I sit here, gazing at my computer screen, I am thinking harder and harder, trying to remember those moments of epiphany I have had over the last few weeks that I now actually have time to share.....

And guess what comes to mind? NOT ONE BLASTED THING.....It is true, I am not a roaring, smoking intellect, but, YES, in fact, I often have moments of crystal clear clarity of thought,....times when the great wide sea of confusion clears long enough for me to make a realization, to have one of those "light bulb" moments, yet now, not one of them is coming to me.

So, since I have last posted, I have managed to cross that invisible boundary into wizened old woman.....(turned 50), and what do you know? I am okay with it.....In fact, I feel a certain victory in it, a certain "je ne sais quois", as though I have actually woken and found myself in a new land, inhabited by real people with real hearts and souls instead of the shallow and superficial residents of the village of youth and vigor....

Don't get me wrong. There is still that heart catching moment when you remember some small detail of your young life, when it feels like some old memory has been pulled from you, and you know in that instant, that you will never feel that way again. There are those times when the pain from those leftover hurts comes back, and even though you can bear the pain in a way that you couldn't before, the joys and the sweet memories that come with it are almost too much to bear.....like looking into the sun without any glasses. And maybe that is what we do.......maybe all of our lives we are building shields, growing tougher and thicker skins so that we can survive. But when you remember your tender past, you remember it almost as a mother remembers a child...

And maybe that is what true old age is........that group of people who have managed to significantly dull the pain of life, (or at least put it into perspective), giving them the capacity to show compassion and understanding and care to those still going through it, knowing that none of us, REALLY, can take it............and knowing that the pains in life and the joys are what has made us who we are, but in some perverse way, we must keep those feelings capped off.....to survive.

And maybe, just maybe, that is what heaven is.................or at least one part of heaven. Heaven will be the time and the place to feel the pain of our lives, and correct it, get it right,......Take back the hurt and the anger, and the regrets. Say the "I'm sorry's" and the "forgive me's" that have been in our hearts in life. REALLY and TRULY make it right. And maybe heaven is the time and the place to truly share our joy. When we can finally live IN that joy and IN that light without fear of it going away, and when no one else wants it or needs it so badly, they try and steal it away from us....

And maybe that sense of peace that old people get nearing the end of their lives.....is really, their anticipation of that great day in heaven when past meets present and we get to love again and live again, without that great overcoat of apathy we have worn like our second skin, most of our lives. and maybe taking it off, and really feeling those feelings again, is like the first warm sun of spring, touching our skin after the cold, cold winter. I can't wait to dance in the light of the sun, surrounded by all those people I love.

Or maybe, I am just a crazy old broad who needs a second cup of coffee this morning.

Not sure......but I know that today, my worries and stresses are greater......my pain may be duller, my joys not as pronounced.....I worry, (and worry and worry and WORRY) about my kids and my grandbabies...I don't want them to experience pain and loss and disillusionment in their lives.....but as for me,......living "in the middle" isn't so bad......................

It's a simpler life,.....not complicated with people, places and things. Really, by now,....all I need to be content is my home, my family, and my self respect.....and of course, all that and a few hundred skeins of yarn. So give me my coffee by morning, my tea by afternoon, a good loaf of chewy bread and the happiness and safety of my young, and me and my old man can call it a good day.