Well, well, well..............................and so we meet again. After a very long hiatus.......

Seasons change, people change, lifestyles change, and me, not much has changed and yet everything has changed.

I am now the mama of another college boy.......one who is far away........and far too young. At least for me. I stumble around, going through my daily life, but every minute of every hour, a secret part of me is away, over the river and through the woods, to the hills of West by-God Virginia. My little one, now nearly grown up in in Morgantown, at WVU, and a part of me resides there with him. Alas, it is not the part that can make him a meal if he is hungry, or hug him if he feels discouraged................it's not the part of me that can put my practiced hand to his forehead to check for a fever or nag him to wear a coat. It is the tender little part of my heart that feels everything, EVERY LITTLE THING,....and that hurts for him when he hurts, as it hurts for each of the others when they hurt.

And then there are the middle schoolers...............C began middle school this year, and though I know he is 11, in that same tiny tender part of my heart, he is my baby....my little small one and I watch his progress as a mother watches her toddler take his first tentative steps, concerned that a small fall or bump or bruise will traumatize more than his body.

And then there is L........on the cusp of a new chapter in her life......the stretching of her mouth to make room for her teeth, and the stretching of her psyche as she prepares to become a young woman, and yes, there is that tiny bit of my heart, stretched, too, waiting and worrying and watching, sometimes feeling like my hands are tied behind my back.

And if I thought it ever got easier as they grew older, I was wrong....SO wrong. I know this now. Actually, I have known this for a very long time, and the knowledge does not bring me any comfort,....................it only brings me acceptance, and a certain capacity to talk trash to myself, in the hopes of calming my tortured mothers heart, of bringing a fresh peace to my worried mothers soul. The knowledge that I will always carry this concern around with me, like a tattered backpack on the first day of school, brings with it a weariness,........a sadness, and I think that this baggage is what really ages us, causes us to grow up and grow old.

In those moments of the day, those precious minutes when you know that all of them are safe at home, either sleeping blissfully unaware that their mother is lying awake, worrying about them,.....or having their own quiet adult moments, you relax. and for those moments, however short and sweet they are, you forget that you are 50. And for a few minutes you feel like you are 20, or 22, or any other age when you felt young and vital and free, and that you could do anything, be anything, and in those moments, you can almost touch that same sense of wonder and anticipation,.... you ALMOST can BE anything you want. And in those moments, I lie in bed, and the silent soundtracks of my life become almost audible. "Welcome to the Hotel California...such a lovely place,................", "I've got two tickets to paradise, won't you pack your bags, we'll leave tonight?",..............

"If we still have time, we might still get by

Every time I think about it, I wanna cry
With bombs and the devil, and the kids keep comin'
No way to breathe easy, no time to be young

But I tell myself that I was doin' all right
There's nothin' left to do at night
But to go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, oh

My love is the evenin' breeze touchin' your skin
The gentle, sweet singin' of leaves in the wind
The whisper that calls after you in the night
And kisses your ear in the early moonlight
And you don't need to wonder, you're doing fine
My love, the pleasure's mine

Let me go crazy on ya
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, ohhh

Wild man's world is cryin' in pain
What you gonna do when everybody's insane
So afraid of one who's so afraid of you
What you gonna do...ohhh...

(Ah-ah-ah-ah)

Ooooo...Crazy on ya
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you

I was a willow last night in my dream
I bent down over a clear running stream
Sang you the song that I heard up above
And you kept me alive with your sweet flowing love

Crazy
Yeah, crazy on ya
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, oh
Crazy on ya
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, yeah



(Ah-ah-ah-ah)

Crazy on ya
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you, ohhh..."

It's those moments when you can feel the joy of it all come over you, wash all of the worries away, like a wave rolling in off of the ocean. You lie there, savoring the freshness and the feeling of freedom.

But as the wave rushes in, the wave rushes out, and the salt water becomes your tears, mourning all of life's losses and changes, and it's the scars that cause the aging. It's the breaking and healing and breaking and healing of your own heart that cause your soul to grow heavy and the weight of your own world, past and present that cause your heart and mind to age.

That small corner in my heart? It's there, young and fresh, and still pliable enough to stretch and contain more love for more people. For more children and grandchildren to come....

Yup.....the changes come as surely as autumn follows summer....but me,

I'll just keep right on worrying, try as I might,..........and in that, some things never change.

And dear ones, it is because I love you, and I wish to live in a world where I can protect you, where you never need this coat of armor , that I worry.

Eat heartily, sleep well and take your troubles and traumas and toils into prayer.

I do, and in those moments, I sleep.