An open letter to people I've lost

So.............just so you know, I miss you.

When the wind howls around me, and the snow dances down, and I'm just home from work and thinking about making something warm and comforting, I miss you. I miss your call asking me how the roads were..............I miss your own indomitable courage and your zeal for driving on snowy roads.

When I'm feeling lost and worried, and I need to know that someone cares, I miss you. I miss how you always comforted me with your calmness and practicality. Somehow you always made me laugh at myself, and laugh at my worries.

When I go to the bank, that impersonal place, I miss you.................I miss your sweet smiling face, and your gentle, reassuring way that made me feel like I belonged, in a way that I don't ever feel anymore.

I miss how you kept an open mind and always saw the good in everyone,............until they crossed that line, and now I miss how you made me laugh at their antics, and be glad I was yours.

I miss that secret knowledge that burned in my heart that you were proud of me, and all I try to do. You never told me in so many words, but I knew then, and I know now.

I miss that you hung my VERY primitive artwork in your kitchen instead of tucking them away in the closet......I miss that you bought me art supplies instead of percale sheets one Christmas.

I miss the practical gifts, and that certainty that my mama was looking out for me......(You never know when you are going to need an oil lantern or extra guest towels)

I miss that you loved my kids almost as much as I do, and that you had their back.....your gifts to them might have seemed wrong to some people, but I loved that you loved them, just the way they are. I miss that I can't call you and cry to you when they go astray.

I miss sharing a cigarette and a cup of coffee with you, and the way it made me feel like your friend and your cronie, and not just your daughter. I miss every moment we drove in the car together and you always knew where we were going.

I miss your talk of hot dog gravy and field kresses and monkey bread. I miss your amazing meals, Mom.....

I miss you so many times..............so many moments of every day and every night...

I can't get my head around you being gone, even now...children are born, the seasons change, and how can I understand how the world keeps on turning......................keeps going,.....keeps changing, in a world without my mother.

And to you, my other loss....................

I just want to say a few things......I love you. I love you for the good, and I love you for the bad. Yup...it is true, you weren't always easy to live with,...............you with your Peter Pan sense of adventure and fun, and your complete inability to understand why groceries and heat and clothing are necessary items when raising a family. (I know you thought some of these things were important, ................just never at the same time) Maybe it was me,..............maybe it was you.............

When I am feeling old and gray and at a loss to remember what it felt like to be young, I remember you,..................being your wife......your playmate................when did the play turn to work?

It is only now, when I am older that I know that the days and nights of our youth were special and sacred,...that the family we forged, (and continue to forge) is worth every moment of the ecstasy and the agony. We two together are greater than the sum of our individual parts.....

I miss that we can't look back together over old times and ask why, and look to each other for the answers...(though in truth, you and I already know them)

I miss that with you gone, no one knows that I once was a gypsy dancer, a wild and free flower that grew tall and lovely in the lush summer grasses. I was Scarlett O'Hara to your Rhett Butler, and every good thing I wanted to be. For one moment in time, we were..............we were perfect.

I miss the talks we shared, the looks we exchanged, and the stories we shared...you and me and Michael.....

Yup, I even miss that...I miss that Michael would say, "Lori, maybe you are being too hard on Glenn.........................." and then you and he and I would all laugh, heartily, together.........

Maybe I was....and I miss that.

So, to both of you.............a little sliver of me went with you when you left.....but I like to think that a little sliver of you stayed here with me.....

I hear you,.......very quietly, in the summer, when the lightest breeze lifts the curtains at my window..........I hear you when Caleb and Rhys are snoring, safely tucked into bed......I hear you when our boys strum their guitars, unaware anyone is watching.....

I hear you when I hear Jaime singing, "Quesque sais...run, run awayyyyyyyyyy" and when Allison giggles in that still little girl way....

And I see you...Oh yes, I see you....in that glowing white corner of the clouds, reflecting the glory of God, and the wonder of where you are now...I see you, ................in every new leaf that opens in spring.....I see you, ............I see you as the kids gather round, and their kids...and I know that life keeps on going, and you keep on living......and I keep on getting old...

So when you're reading this, remember this old girl........and drop a little feather from the sky to just remind me that one day, I'll fly away, too.............and life will keep on going.....and so will I.