Bye-bye Guilt

I'm sitting here, eyes on my computer screen, wondering what I should write. Haven't blogged in at least a week. So, Guilt, that familiar friend(and I use that term loosely) , has come visiting. She tells me that it is not good for me not to write down my thoughts and feelings, my hopes and aspirations. She tells me that I am going to be intellectually dull without benefit of a daily dose of vitamin BS. She nags me into thinking and doing and worrying about everything and everyone.

SHE is not a good houseguest. Guilt comes far too frequently and usually when things are difficult enough as it is....She eats too much, leaves her stuff lying all over the house, and often invites her friends, Shame and Embarrassment over. (And if Guilt is a bad houseguest, Shame and Embarrassment are the poster children for unwanted household interlopers).

Fortunately, Shame and Embarrassment have learned over the years that they are not welcome here, and usually only stay as long as I allow. When I have really had it, I will say, out loud, "You have no reason to be here, and I want you to leave", and they will usually stomp around a bit, mutter a few choice words like, fat and stupid, and then take themselves out of here.

Guilt, on the other hand will stay for weeks at a time, (and has been here for years at a time occasionally). She lays around on the couch, not even bothering to get dressed.....She goes out shopping, (and alas, since the age of the PC, can even stay here and do it, and not even dress) and spends all of my money. She buys frivolous items that I really can not afford, and gives them away to make herself feel better. (The bad thing here is that when Generosity visits, there is often less to share because Guilt has spent it all).

Guilt is a shape-shifter. My husband often cannot tell Guilt from Generosity, and so, in trying to defend himself, will yell at both of them.

Guilt is a taskmaster..... She nags me into doing more and more and more, and never applauds me for my efforts. The more I give, the more she wants. When I was a kid, my dad used to always say, "Y'all are never satisfied...."......I think he meant, "Guilt is never satisfied......." I am not kidding you, she REALLY is never happy with my best intentions.

She insists that I cook large fattening meals, with lots of fat and cheese and sugar, etc., and tells me that is the very best way to let my family know how much I love them. She insinuates, in that snarky, bitchy way that she has, that soup and salad are not enough food love for my family, and that in order to fortify them emotionally, I must fatten them physically. I am beginning to realize that she wants me to "insulate" them, not fortify them.

She taunts me in the laundry room, making fun of ketchup stains and green grassy knees...."What will the teachers think?", she whispers....."What kind of mother does not use Clorox?"............I sort, and I pre-treat, and I buy the best fabric softener that money can buy, and still, it is never enough...."Why don't you starch and iron?", she suggests............

Easy for her to say, she doesn't have anything else to do. while I am off working 4 jobs, she is lying around, watching the Price is Right, and The Young and the Restless.

And the house.....................the house is the worst. She is a chronic complainer, and often reminds me that a clean house is a healthy house....(healthy for who?) I want to tell her that a house that is filled with toys and dogs and quilts and 17 varieties of tea IS healthy....At least mentally...

A house that overflows with yarn and with fabric and with paintbrushes is a welcoming home, a place where we can create and explore who we are...So what if our couch is lumpy and bumpy and covered in dog hair...And is it really a big deal if last nights dinner dishes sit in the sink for a few more hours?

To Guilt it is.....Guilt tells me that there will be time to paint, and draw, and sew and knit and write, and read, and sing, and dance and play, AS SOON AS THE DISHES ARE DONE AND THE HOUSE HAS BEEN CLEANED....what Guilt does not get is that there will not be any ENERGY left to paint and draw and sew and knit and write and read and sing and dance and play and LOVE EACH OTHER when the dishes are done and the house has been cleaned. Does Guilt remember that I am a working mother? of 5?

So this morning, after staring at this computer screen and wondering what to write about....Guilt is going to get what is coming to her. Bang your head against the wall, Guilt,............... kick, scream and gnash your teeth, throw yourself to the floor and go into a tantrum....It won't matter to me. I am setting your bags on the porch and changing your sheets and freshening up your room. I have invited Nurturance to move in...........and you know the best part?

SHE is bringing some of her own yarn and tea to share.............................