The last day of the year

Here it is..........the last day of 2009. Most people I know say it is the worst year they can remember...Not me. The worst year of my life was 2005...and every year since then has been bad, but I have progressively found comfort in numbness. And on the rare occasion that I allow myself to not feel numb, I feel,........................well,...odd.... I don't want to feel odd, in fact, I don't want to feel numb. I don't want to feel like a part of me is dead and buried, though I am sure that it is....Here and there I get a few "breakthrough" feelings,...you know, those moments when you can almost hear the melodic notes of "hotel california" echoing in your brain and for a brief moment, you feel like you are 16 again.....and of course, within seconds, a voice from the backseat interrupts your
reverie with "Nana, can Sid and Ethan come over?"..OMG, what is that? How is it possible I am a grandmother? How is it possible that I have produced not only the next generation, but 2 generations??? Where did my life go? How did I get here and what happened to my cassette player and boyfriend and my Mexican cotton smock tops?
TSK,TSK,TSK....To all of you out there who may be reading this, and especially to those of you who are under 30, I think I can speak for all of us from the 70's...WE ARE NOT OLD PEOPLE! WE ARE NOT SQUARES! We are hip,......cool,.....fun...we have conscience, and we still want peace and joy to surround us. Now, I think I cannot speak for everyone my age, but for me, I am the same person I was in 1978...albeit with more chins and less colorful hair. I still want to lie in the grass and gaze up at the stars at night...(although since that one time I got caught by my then teenagers, I do always remember clothes), and even though I am considered decidely "un-cool" by my children and grandchildren, I still want to sit on the lawn at Wolftrap or Merriweather Post Pavillion in a long gauzy dress and flowers in my hair and have a cold beer and dance in circles while the band plays into the night...
Don't get me wrong. I also want to sit in my rocker on the porch at sunset and sip a cup of tea. (but only in my long gauzy dresses that have long since had to be made, not purchased, since I am too rotund to find them in the stores any longer)...I want the choice.
I want the choice to be who I want to be....and if that means at one moment I want to be young and free and rebellious, I can....and who knows, I may choose the next moment to don an old wool coat and my daddy's old derby hat, and sit with a corncob pipe in my mouth, smoking and rocking, and thinking....but probably mostly, I'll end up being the me that you all know and expect. .......A grey haired mouse woman with a handful of knitting, and piles of stuff surrounding me..