sagging body parts

Sagging body parts.....I am sure, most of you, like me, automatically think of the same parts.....the tired old bosoms, once perky and firm, now fallen from grace..........the youthful behind, which has now fallen into a variety of lumps, bulges and strange clay-mation shapes. Or maybe not...................maybe that is just me...(Tell me it is happening to all of you, too)....never once have I worried about my earlobes....Nope, not me!

Let me just tell you, I have it on good authority that ALL of us need to worry....We need to step up our work-outs, even consider surgery, ANYTHING, at ANY cost to avoid the dreaded sagging earlobe syndrome...

Just like I never pay attention to shoes....( and I know some of you are horrified at my lack of reverence to the almighty shoe shopping excursion), I never pay attention to earlobes. In a crowded party, across the office, I never glance, no, not even once, at earlobes....

So imagine my horror when I hear from my daughter about her concern for herself and countless other women and their sagging, drooping, splitting earlobes...(Are there other women out there looking at my earlobes and finding me lacking?) This reminds me of the day when I realized that other women were looking at my shoes....(oh, the shame,.............the embarrassment....)

She tells me that I can make a fortune producing earrings for these poor unfortunate women. Knitted, beaded, crocheted, fabricate them anyway you must, mother, but for God's sake, MAKE THEM NOW!!!!

I am not sure I have time anymore to make earrings.....or anything else.....no time to knit, to sew, ...no time to cook or bake,....no time to produce vividly colored works of art to admire in the privacy of my cloffice (Have you seen my house and all of the crowd that lives here....I feel blessed to have this closet-office)
Why, egads!!! People who live in glass houses should NEVER throw stones. Before I can even think about embarking on the production of weightless earrings, I need to put my own house in order....(Do you think duct taping my ears at night would work?)
I mean, in all seriousness, who is going to buy specialty earrings from a woman with weighted, drooping elderly earlobes???

And another thing...where is the fairness in my earlobes drooping? I have done everything right...I have taken all the steps these many years to support my earlobes....I have never abused them with cold and callous metals and fake glass baubles that weigh them down.....(This is just another of those examples of that "Life is not fair" mom-ism) Life just is NOT fair. and I, for one, am tired of being the recipient of that oft-repeated statement. It wasn't fair when I stopped growing tall at 5 foot 4 inches, and started growing out...............it wasn't fair when my hair began graying at 30, and everyone said, "Oh well,....it gives you character" Character, my ass...!!! it gave me gray hair! and it gave me a complex...

Well,......back to my original tirade. I had NO idea that earlobes sagged. EVER! and I certainly never entertained the notion that anyone even thought about it, let alone noticed. I'm scared now...really scared.

The heck with my sagging bosoms, my droopy behind, my gray hair,.....I can live with varicose veins, wrinkles and chin hair, but I need to get off of this computer right this very minute...right now, and head out to the mall.

I need duct tape! and I need some of those tiny strapped black shoes....! And I need a prince charming to help me get them on my size 11 Irish washerwoman feet!

That's all I've got today. My idea to be kind to the world today will just have to wait!