Sunday morning

Yikes...................my original post disappeared. I was just commenting on how I wish I were one of those "nice" mama's, coming down the church steps with my freshly scrubbed young ones, my deliriously happy husband, and heading to the local casual french eatery for a bit of lunch. After we would head home to our CLEAN home...(Yes, I am told that , in point of fact, a clean home is possible on Sundays)where I would change out of my polished cotton church dress and into my size 8 jeans and tee shirt, and head out into our garden, (hey, it's a fantasy, it can be warm and sunny all year long) where I sip lemonade as I gently glide about, gathering fragrant blooms for the crystal vase on our polished mohogany dining table.

But no,...................instead, on this Sunday morning, I am sitting squat legged, on a tiny stool in my closet office, hair tangled at my neck, fat and sweating in my floor length flannel granny gown.(at noon...) and truthfully, if there were a local casual french eatery, (and there is not), I am pretty sure I would not want to put clothes on and go *out of my house* to eat. Going out of my house is becoming much like *walking naked through traffic*..........I feel vulnerable, peered at, made fun of, and just plain exposed. and worse, I feel judged.

Judged, you say? Yes, judged....Not measuring up. Let's see...I am too fat to be pretty, my hair is too long, too gray and too "free", my clothes are either terribly uncomfortable due to problem #1, or freakishly too big, or so far out there, people think I am tripping on some decades long acid trip from the 70'2....I either should not be working and be a stay-at-home mom where I volunteer and bake cookies (can't do that either because I wouldn't be able to chain smoke at will...not that I do, but I couldn't if I wanted to)or I should have one job, one job that pays well, where I am held in high esteem and can take off whenever is neccesary. Rather, I have more than one job, both of which are low paying, making me feel as intelligent and as successful as a......................well, never mind, I certainly don't want to offend anyone else.

Let's just say, I do feel, well,.................not good enough. Not pretty enough, not kind enough, not smart enough, no rich enough, not poor enough...In general, just below average. And I do NOT want my children to grow up and feel like this, because I can tell you already, they are VERY special people.............with very special talents and abilities and more importantly, VERY SPECIAL hearts and souls. And I am guessing, if one had asked, my mom might have said the same thing...I will never know exactly.

But sitting here on this sunday morning, I know that despite the fact that I am an ugly duckling that no one would look twice at, I am full of redemptive qualities.....I am creative and resourceful and bright. I am generous and loving and kind (though not as kind as I used to be....I left a large packet of kindness and decency in my mother's casket at the funeral home, and it was month's later before I realized it was missing, and of course, it was too late by then). I am in love with my family and most of their friends, and I am fiercely loyal. But when I am alone, there is a little voice that worries that I am invisible, that I am a nothing, a small microscopic part of a larger nothing...I don't want to be nothing. I want to matter. I want to raise strong healthy children who always feel tall and proud and gracious and kind and part of something large and magical and noble. and as small as I am, I am doing that. Yes, I am doing that. and in doing so, I am making the world a better place.