Many moons have passed since last I wrote....too many. I am a whole other person now, shaped by the pandemic and by loss, and by PTSD rearing it's ugly head.  As I sit here, I think about how much I would like to write about the easy things, about the fun things, and I realize there just are NO easy things anymore. There is getting old, being sad, worrying about the world and where it is going...there is abject terror at the loss of our county's values. I never EVER would have thought that we would become a hardened, greedy people who take delight in hurting others, yet here we are. 

I find most days I cower. I hunker down and cut myself off from news, from tv, even from social media because the hate will kill me if I allow it to. I don't want to know that people only think the elderly or the already sick people will die and that we are dispensable. I don't want to hear the judgement that accompanies conversations about our value and worth and humanity. "She's too big..." "He doesn't make enough money..." "I can't believe they live in that tiny rundown house......"I do not want to hear it. I want to hear clever, articulate people talk about creativity and character and lovingkindness.  Maybe I like my echo chamber. (If you can hear me, shout out to me so I will know I am not alone in the abyss...."

I am reminded frequently of late, of other times in my life, how innocent they seemed and how far away this time would be.  I am not the person I was at 50, or 40 or 30, or even 60.  I am frighteningly aware that the time to do is now. the time to be is now. The time to speak is now. I will speak. I will speak my own personal truth to anyone insane enough to listen. I can no longer worry about their opinions, their distaste, and their deep need to silence me rather than hear the uncomfortable truths.

We can't go back. We cannot go back to a time when some people mattered and some people did not, where us whiteys were priveledged, based solely on the color of our skin and not the content of our character. We were blind, truly, to the racism and the hatred of the people with brown skin, and we cannot go back.  It is not enough to say, "I am not a racist." We must ACTIVELY change the world we are living in to include all people in all shapes, all sizes, all colors, all religions, all sexual and gender identities. It is only then when we can tap into the talent and skills of every one of us. We need to each take personal responsibility for raising a nation of children who care about the world we live in and the other people we share it with.

I told my daughters I was afraid if donald trump were elected, it would change the world we live in and drag us back in time. I realize now, we were already being pulled down that road, before his election by the people who support him, the people who are galvanized by fear and change. 

I won't be that person, not today, not ever. I seek to live my life with my eyes wide open and when I am troubled or fearful, I will not hide from it and demonize others to protect myself. I will simply ask for help. 

So,....after many, MANY years, I am back, trying like hell to form words that might resonate with someone, or maybe just myself.

Thank you Nadine for being my life jacket.